Special Edition Eleven Eleven Eleven (November-December Horoscopes)

CAPRICORN
Go ahead and do that in the bedroom. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You don't have to let precedent dictate foreplay.

AQUARIUS
As your walls get torn down remember that you don't need to fear. They aren't tearing your walls down to build a strip mall. A garden will be planted where your walls once stood. It is for your own good! You will see that soon enough and then you will lend a hand in the destruction of the walls you built to protect yourself. At the same time you will tear down the walls of one close.

PISCES
Let yourself experience pleasure you silly masochist!

ARIES
Give them a break. Cut them some slack. In the near future you will need them to do this for you.

TAURUS
Be happy that they want to spend time with you. You will see that everything is a perfect fit.

GEMINI
You can always leave.

CANCER
Get your hair done and get some new luggage pimp.

LEO
Like the dynamic hermit crab you are changing shells. At first it might feel strange, but soon it will feel like home.

VIRGO
Bust out the flannel pajamas because you need to warm that icy ass of yours honey.

LIBRA
Free at last!

SAGITTARIUS
What do you think you are doing? What are you doing? Do these two match?

February Monthly Horoscopes

CAPRICORN
No one likes a frenemy or an aquatancemy. Avoid both of these types like the plague - and certainly don't be one!!! Cattiness, like envy, is quite unbecoming and it does nothing for your figure. Watch a movie with your sweetie. Sit in the back row and sneak a feel or two. Or three. <3

AQUARIUS
See how much fun you can have living in the moment and not worrying about bs? Do I smell a party?

PISCES
You know those plastic horses suspended by cables that kids can bounce on? Those penny rides are fun but you don't really go anywhere. Take a ride that gets you somewhere this month. And make sure your jeans aren't too tight.

ARIES
You are a velvet rabbit under your bristly defensive bitchiness. Get ready to cuddle up.

TAURUS
Have sympathy and respect for someone close. It is easy to be kind to strangers. The test is being kind to those closest.

GEMINI
Get crunk.

CANCER
Adapt yourself to the change at hand. What doesn't bend gets pulled out by the roots. Rock!

LEO
Things will improve soon - you are the cool cat with nine lives remember?

VIRGO
Stumble into some magic. Avoid imaginary webs.

LIBRA
Take the time to smell a bunch of essential oils and pick one to be your signature scent for the rest of winter.

SAGITTARIUS
Remember when it used to be fun? Make it so again.

2011 New Year Horoscopes

CAPRICORN
Better Late than never... that is a good adage for 2011. Better to fall in love late than never to fall in love. Better to be good to your body late than never. Better to end harmful addictions and harmful relationships late than never. Better to tell the truth late than to tell lies to yourself or others forever. Better to keep in touch with loved ones late than never. Better to donate to your favorite charity and get rid of all the crap cluttering up your life late than never. Better to stop judging and blaming others now than never. That doesn't mean to procrastinate. Better to let go of negativity now than never. That means NOW is the time and now is all we have: 2011. Do it now, it's later than we think.

AQUARIUS
You can think you are superior but that doesn't mean it is true. You can think you know things about someone else but that doesn't mean that you really do. We all fall prey to thinking things about ourselves and others that aren't really true. You might think something you want to go well will go wrong - but that doesn't mean that things will actually go wrong. Don't worry so much! Don't worry about what your neighbor is doing - just be happy and know you are lucky to be you!

PISCES
The flame is burning and it is lit now by you. The intention was right and true. Summon from within the courage to see it through.

ARIES
Revamp your relationships. Reduce the amount of time you spend gossiping. This year will be a steady climb to zen for you. Give yourself a crash course in being fabulously you. Retain only the essential.

TAURUS
Hearts on fire: the world's most perfect love starts with you. This year surround yourself with smells and tastes that you love. Rub a bit of Mexican vanilla extract on your wrist and smell it throughout the day. Heavenly bodies will heal you this year. Avoid your tendency toward priggishness. Make a list of 101 odd things about you. The stranger the better. Channel your inner Diane Arbus, but turn the lens away from others and focus on the beautiful freak in you.

GEMINI
Kissing twins live inside you -- the only trouble is sometimes they rip eachother's hair out. You may feel on the edge of the world just now but I promise you won't drift off into anti-gravity. Remember that computers can't feel. When it comes to love keep interactions real. Make sure to pay attention to the emotional feedback your lover gives you. Pay attention to the unseen, the unsaid, the MOOD.

CANCER
This year you will tap into an infinite inspiration. This will exhilarate you to the point of orgiastic spurts of expression. This is the year you get your groove back. This is the year you will finally learn to give yourself head. Just kidding!!! But seriously you will learn how to be more self-reliant when it comes to entertaining yourself. You'll learn that just spending time alone and creating from you new well of original creativity will be better than any party.

LEO
Many people never thought you could do it. In fact at times, neither did you. But indeed you shall. And this isn't about love or other people. This is about real accomplishment.

VIRGO
Oh virgins, you seem so innocent to many out there, but I know you better than that! Let your freak flag fly Virgo. I know that is hard for you. If you had a 11th toe that you chopped off in the morning and it grew back at night, you'd wake up before the rest of the world and chop it right off before anyone else even knew. But the problem is there'd still be a bit of blood on your little white bobby socks - so observant people would have a little clue about the freak in you, so all that pain an worry about trying to hide that extra toe would be for naught. Everything comes out eventually and it is better to embrace the strange in you.

LIBRA
Will this be the year the sunshine comes back into your life? You'll have to move that crap out of the window first if you want to let some real fresh light in. I promise if you do the nether-regions of your heart will be warmed.

SAGITTARIUS
Home, sweet, home... this is the year you make your little room a soft place to fall.